I’m taking a break from writing my script when what I really should be doing is actually doing my homework.  I have several assignments all due next Tuesday, but my Script Frenzy is going really well.  I am only on page 14, but I have already had several revelations, including the fact that my main characters just got engaged.  I was so not expecting that.  I’m totally psyched about other things too.  My weight loss goals are starting to come together as I am finally am able to get all the pieces together, watching what I eat and doing the whole exercise thing.  I’m down probably 4 pounds and I lost 1.5 inches around my waist!! I thought that was freaking awesome. :)  I also got a film internship that I think is exactly what I was looking for.  I’m going to be working with people who are really doing it.  It feels like all the pieces in my life are coming together in ways that is actually moving me forward instead of just having me sitting in neutral.  I’ll write more later, but I just needed to take a quick break and now back to my script.  I really want to get a good start on this ‘cause it might be a few days before I can get back to it.  Here’s to an awesome April for writing, school, internship and weight loss! Wow, I can’t believe it. :)

OMG, I am so pathetic and crushed at the same time and it’s completely ridiculous.  HE just posted on Facebook that he’s in a relationship.  Why does that hurt so much? 

I know that it’s absolutely completely ridiculous, there is no reason why it should matter to me but it does and tonight, I’m already dying inside ‘cause I’m so lonely and dealing with other BS with my friend, but that’s another blog.  Tonight, I’m trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself and trying to meet some new people, hanging out on Okcupid, a dating site and well, it’s not going so well.  Right now, it’s probably because my heart isn’t in it because the person I want doesn’t want me.  Bloody hell I’m freaking pathetic! I just need to pull my head out and stop worrying about him and it and focus on tomorrow.  I have an interview tomorrow to do an internship that could be really an amazing experience and I don’t want to screw it up.  So go ahead and cry about it tonight and just get over it and focus on your career.  There’s time enough for relationships later and eventually I’ll find someone who actually wants to be with me for a change.

            Unrequited love. 

            Everyone’s been there and no one likes it.  It sucks when you stand next to the person that you’re madly in love with and they look right through you.  It’s even worse when you can talk to that person for hours on end and it feels like there is some kind of connection, but you can’t be sure.  It feels like for that short amount of time you’re talking to that person, there is no one else in the world, but because he doesn’t know how you feel and because he lives three thousand miles away, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. 

            I talked to HIM last night.  He called me out of the blue yesterday.  I hadn’t talked to him forever and I had to call him back ‘cause I was doing a school fieldtrip yesterday with X and it wasn’t exactly the best place to talk.  I had debated on waiting till later on in the week to call and chat with him, but curiosity and anxiety got the best of me and I gave in.  I loved hearing the sound of his voice, I really did.  We talked about life the universe and everything but mostly we just talked about our common interest, making movies, and it was just nice to catch up.  Unfortunately, it’s like a drug and I want more.  How can I describe just how lonely I felt after I hung up the phone with him and went to sleep in an empty bed?  I had been working really hard on getting over him, even crushing on some new people, but then all those old feelings came back to the surface and it practically made me want to cry, in fact just thinking about it right now makes me want to cry.

            We talked about different things and I told him about a script that I’m working on and we even talked about the possibility of him coming to work on it.  He would make my project look freaking amazing because he’s probably the most gifted DP I’ve ever worked with.  So there’s my conundrum, do I tell him how I feel and risk losing a good friendship and professional relationship, or do I just suck it up and accept the fact that every time that I’m around him with just be completely painful because I can never tell him how I feel? 

            I know that more than anything, I need to get over him, I need to move on, find someone my own age and forget “this ridiculous obsession with love”, but for now, it’s kinda what’s keeping me going. 

Life has been crazy, all of the homework that I had been putting off all came due.  Thank goodness next week is Spring Break.  I’ll be able to get all caught up and move on with things.  This week I finally bought my elliptical, but I haven’t really had a chance to use it, besides being busy, I’ve been fighting really bad allergies that I think have finally turned into a cold and I’ve been miserable.  It hasn’t helped my motivation to log on and see that my weight is fluctuating my 6-7 lbs up and down every time I weigh myself.  It’s hard to get any kind of accurate view, though my waist seems to be going down and that’s always a good thing.  Stupid water weight.

And it hasn’t helped that my mom is in town.  I love her dearly, but she has a way of making me feel like nothing I do is good enough.  She came in on Friday and the kids and I spent all day cleaning getting ready and today after stuff, she was like, “Do you want me to wash your floor or bathroom?”  I already did!!  It doesn’t need to be done again.  I know that X was really bugged because while he worked on his room on Friday, it didn’t get done, but I hadn’t really had a chance to help him, but my mom decided that she was going to help.  You could totally see his exasperation with things.  I know my house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and comfortable and we like it.

Okay, enough about that, can’t always dwell on the negatives, it’s not healthy.  I know that this week sucked workout wise, especially since I had been starting to make progress and get a schedule down.  I’ll work hard next week and see what I can do, provided of course, I can breathe.  But the good thing that happened is that I came up with the perfect ultra low budget / no budget film that I can shoot.  It came from an idea I had for a short story for a class.  The short story sucked, but the story that came after I turned it in, I came up with all kinds of good things and I’ve been practically going into pre-production and I haven’t finished writing the script.  I’ve started working on an outline and hopefully I can get stuff written down soon because I would love to shoot this over the summer.  I think it will be freaking awesome. It’s a psychological / erotic thriller.  Should be tons of fun to shoot, just a few cast and crew needed.  I can see so many of the image in my head.  I can’t wait!!!

Onto guy drama, since last time, I have discovered that I’m totally crushing on my history professor.  I know, complete geek, but at least he’s close to my age.  I’ve also been seriously crushing on the guy from my speech class and both of them have been giving me attention.  I know that it doesn’t mean much, but it makes me feel at least a little good.  Also, I had an awesome phone conversation with a guy who I started chatting with online a few years ago and then lost contact.  I’ve been kinda buzzing from it.  I definitely need another fix.  Of course, I’m still in love with you know who, though I’m getting better, but the idea of shooting another film brings up all kinds of interesting feelings, because as a director I want him to be my DP because he’s freaking amazing and we work well together.  I’m just working hard to keep it a professional relationship ‘cause sex just ruins things.  *Sigh* I’m just tired of being lonely, so here is my list of wants, in no particular order of importance.  For the longest time, I only knew what I didn’t want, so I’m trying to change my thinking to a positive, so here goes.

• Is single, available and interested in me (tired of finding emotionally unavailable guys)
• is geographically close (again, tired of pining away for someone who lives 3000 miles away)
• Is supportive of my career goals and doesn’t get jealous
• Can be a positive influence in my kids life (not trying to replace their dad, exactly, but they need someone in their life that actually wants them)
• Has a sense of humor (not necessarily a comedian, but someone who can laugh at life)
• Can keep up with me, I may waste a lot of time, but I’m also highly driven and am constantly working towards new goals
• Is stimulating-physically, emotionally and mentally
• Can carry on a conversation for hours on end and talk about everything and nothing and just live in the moment
• Is okay to not have sex for a while (this one is slightly negotiable, ie if it’s the camera guy) but I want to build a relationship that’s not based on sex
• Likes the beach
• Has similar interests but doesn’t need me to entertain him
• Will let me have my own interests and career, but support me and let me support him

Okay, I think that about sums stuff up for now.  I know that tonight’s blog is rather discombobulated (I love that word!) but I just have so much on my mind that it’s hard for me to focus.  Time to get back to the script outline, or rather bed, so I can get up in the morning and go to church.  Then tomorrow I can work on it.  :) I want to write as much as I can next week. :)

Man, so much to do and so little time!!!

I haven’t been on for the last little bit…been completely depressed about my weight, I gained like 6 pounds which was absolutely horrifying.  This is the heaviest that I have ever been in my life and I can’t stand it.  Every time I look in the mirror, I cringe.  I’m taking speech and getting into public speaking, but who is going to want to listen to a fat whale, which is really how I feel.  I try and fake it that everything is fine, that I’m completely confident getting up and talking in front of people, but inside, I am dying, I really am.

I’ve been watching the Olympics and watching the competitors and I marvel at the wonderful things that they can accomplish.  I have always hated the fact that I have never been athletic.  It was always a far off dream that I could go, but I never had the discipline to try.

I am approaching 40 and I am tired of living this life. I’m tired of being completely undisciplined.  I will be graduating from college in 170 days and if all goes well, I will be going to grad school.  I want to have a fresh start.  I deserve a fresh start and a new life.  The key to me being able to change my life is being disciplined.  Things have been just crazy and I haven’t been eating well at all, but that is really no excuse.  I have got to get more disciplined, not just in my weight loss; I really need to get it together with school work and my writing.

I have been doing a little bit with the exercise ball and resistance bands that I got, but it’s far from enough.  I have decided that tomorrow I’m going to go and buy an elliptical.  It’s hard for me to get out of the house with the kids, and because I know me, I will work out with the TV on and I can get some exercising in.

I have never a very disciplined person and that needs to change.  I have too much to do in my life and I need to just get over myself and become the person that I keep envisioning in my dreams.

So life has been busy and I haven’t been doing all that hot on the whole working out or eating good thing.  Not good I know.  I know that I eat when I’m stressed and this week has been stressful.  Last Thursday, when I was driving home from school, I saw a really bad car accident and totally had a flashback to my accident from last year.  As I was driving eastbound, the other truck was driving westbound.  The truck was pulling a trailer and what looked like happened was the trailer suddenly slipped off and was getting dragged (I saw sparks) and the driver was trying really hard to get off the freeway and just as they pulled off, the truck came completely unhitched from the trailer and flipped end over end several times.

All I could do was pull off to the side of the road and just cry.

Needless to say, just a little bit of PTSD.  It’s frustrating ‘cause I still have moments when I’m just driving along and all of a sudden, I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach and am afraid that I’ll get into an accident.

So besides being mentally unstable these days, I’ve also been trying to get caught up on homework.  Most of my classes aren’t doing to bad.  I am really like my Ancient Greece class, my professor is cool and kinda cute in that geeky kinda way that I find attractive.  Then there is the cute guy that is in my speech class.  He’s a baby, but apparently that hasn’t ever stopped me from obsessing before.  Besides, I am liking my speech class.  I admit it, I actually like getting up and speaking, I like the attention.

I’ve got to figure out a happy medium to make things work, between school, and work (or rather lack of work), exercising, eating and everything else in my life.  My goal is to write 5 pages a week on the next screenplay in the series and to also do a rewrite on the other script.  I need to take advantage of this time and really start doing things for my career.  I would really like to start looking for an agent in the next few months.  I want to have 3 completed screenplays of my own to send out, which includes the first two in the sci-fi series.

In the meantime, now that I’m done studying for the GRE, I really need to start exercising at least M, W, and F ‘cause I don’t have school and don’t have to go to Orlando.  Really, carving out 15-20 minutes shouldn’t be to hard.  I waste far more time than that playing stupid computer games.

I think it’s time to really identify some of the goals I want to accomplish this year.

1-Finish book 2

2-Start looking for an agent.

3-Work out daily and lose 5 inches around my middle and in other places.

This year, I really want to stop being afraid to connect with people, to tell the guy that I’ve been in love with for the last several years how I actually feel, yeah, I know I wrote about him before, but he’s been on my mind a lot lately.

I know that I have been using my weight to keep me from doing a lot of things in my life and I just have to stop.  When I gave my speech last week, I really did like it. I could have gave a longer speech.  I liked the attention, but at the same time, I think my issues have kept me from really trying and actually trying to get into speaking while I work on my film career.

I am really worried about my daughter, M.  She is only 8, but already she is starting to chunk out and I don’t want that for her.  I know she feels bad about things, because she talks about it.  The other day, we went to Walmart and we got her her first bras.  I look at her and see such a beautiful girl and I don’t want kids to tease her because she is starting to develop. It scares me and I just don’t know what to do.  It’s important for me to be a good example and I know that I am far from it.  I feel like I’m not up for the job sometimes.

So needless to say, lots of stress this week and eating is not the most effective way to cope.  I have a lot to think about and it’s getting late.  I’m gonna go and get a few minutes of stretching and weights in before I go to bed.  I just have to remind myself, I can do a few minutes a day. :)

Who knows, I might actually find a new way to deal with the stress in my life.

It’s one am and I should totally go to bed.  Just a quick note to talk about today and the fact that I was being rather domestic. At a church activity today, I learned how to make home made wheat bread which was freaking awesome and the bread turned out really good.  It was very healthy and was a good experience for me.  After making the bread, I made a necklace and an anklet which I’m totally psyched about.

I think what made it nice that the fact that I was taking care of my mental well being today which I have to remember is just as important to take care of as my physical body.  I just need to learn how to make them more compatible.   Last night, there was a church event, a family game night and I took the kids.  We had a lot of fun, but there was only snacks, ie junk food and I completely overindulged.  It was the potato chips.  I haven’t had them forever and last night I just couldn’t stop munching.

It’s the munching that I need to get under control or I will never lose any weight.  Also, I can’t beat myself up for it because I have to remember it’s a process.  I was still taking care of me, it was the mental and emotional well being that needed attention.  Besides, today was a much better eating day. :)

I have a few other things I want to blog about, but right now I’m literally falling asleep as I’m typing this.  I have church in the morning so I must go to bed.

Today was a good day and I just have to remember that I will have both good days and bad days and not beat myself up for whatever failings I think I might have.

So this week I have been rather distracted studying for the GRE.  Last night I took a practice test and did better than I was expecting.  I had to take a break from studying and this morning I’ve been cleaning and organizing my kitchen. I am so good at avoiding things I don’t want to do and it’s amazing how clean my house will get when I am in avoidance mode.

Because of the distractions, I haven’t worked as hard on the whole eating good thing as well as I would like.  However, I just got on the Wii fit and discovered I was down 1.5 lbs.  It’s a start. :)  I did notice though that my knee is still really having problems.  I can walk a lot better than I had been last week, and thankfully I don’t need crutches, but my range of motion is still significantly less than normal and I still struggle to put weight on it.

Overall, I’m still staying focused on goals and while I’ve been waiting for my money to get deposited into my account, I’ve been making a shopping list and I’ve been trying really hard to put foods on there that are healthy.

I still have issues with the whole cookie dough thing and I still have at least two more packages, but once they are gone, I’m not buying anymore.  I’ll be making some cookies tonight with the kids because we have a church activity tonight and we are supposed to bring a treat.  It should be fun.

Well I should get back to cleaning.  The kids will be home soon and I want to be done so I can hang out with them.

Once more into the breach! ;)

Unfortunately, my knee was having issues.

I went to the doctor’s today and was told there wasn’t much they could do ‘cause without insurance, it would be cost prohibitive to get an MRI.  Basically I’m supposed to ice it and slowly work on getting the strength back up in my quads to help strengthen my knee, which is basically what I was doing.

Ironic, isn’t it.

Oh well, today was a good day, spent more time at the beach that I had expected and just realized why the back of my leg was hurting, ‘cause I got a sunburn.  It’s okay, it was nice being outside.  X and I have been spending all kinds of time together because M has been down at Disney for the last few days.  The next time I head down to the parks, I want to be in much better shape.

My knee is really going to force me to take things nice and slow and really change my habits. I’m gonna go and make some chicken for dinner which will be good for me and X.  The last few days, my eating has been actually pretty good.  We had soup and salad the other day and a sandwich and soup this afternoon.  It’s a slow process, especially since I keep craving cookie dough, but have managed to choose things like yogurt and a fruit smoothie instead.  It’s going to be those small choices that will ultimately make the difference.

Gonna go make some dinner and then study for the GRE.  Time to get back in the groove.